How to lose your mind in 10 days.

3Or in my case only three. Three days is really all it took for me to get to breaking point. Three seemingly little days that felt like they stretched on to an eternity. Three days that had me sobbing on the floor, fighting with my husband. A whole lot can happen in three little days. And here’s what happened to me.

This morning started out in the hospital with my mom. Today makes the third day. I was exhausted with no sleep, no shower, no deodorant, no good coffee and no peace of mind. Mentally I was worn out. The stress of making sure my mom was okay on top of the financial stress and all of the other mishaps that have been happening lately has really dug its claws in deep and torn away pieces of me. Of course the overdrawn notification that the bank sent me at 8 am this morning about my account did nothing to ease my stress either. I literally had $10 to my name and that was in my pocket. But things would be okay because hubby was supposed to get his first paycheck in the new job position today. Things would great better, bills would get paid, the cars would have gas, and the fridge would see groceries again. And right on time the call came in cancelling work for the day because of the terrible weather conditions. No point driving over an hour away to pick up the paycheck when all the right people wouldn’t even be there. Great……now what do we do? I sat on the hard hospital couch contemplating my life and why things have been so ridiculously fucked up lately. Should things be this hard??? Granted we didn’t grow up rich and the past 16 years as a single mom I have struggled my ass off. But I’m married now. Shouldn’t I be happier than a Disney princess about my life right this moment? Shouldn’t I be swinging from the chandeliers just giddy about the promise of my future??? Nope. Instead I was sitting there this morning seriously contemplating kissing a bridge on the way home in the Toyota. Please don’t take what I say too lightly or too seriously for that matter. This isn’t a cry for help by any means. This is I’m sick of all this bad shit happening to my family and it’s time for the world to go piss on someone else. Are we responsible for some of the things that has happened? Sure. But is it really necessary for the past 8 months to be a total freaking nightmare? I don’t think so. Back to my story…here I sit. Thankful that my mom is alive. Hopeful that our very strained relationship might get a makeover. Fed up with feeling woe-is-me. I hate thinking that I sound like a broken record. But again I have no support system. No friends to talk to about any of this and doubtful that if I did they would even understand. The husband doesn’t count because he hears it all the time. And I can’t speak to my teen about this because it’s just beyond his scope of realization. I’m trying not to jade him too quickly about the fact that yes, the world indeed does suck and nothing is fair. He has a chance to still think things can be sunshine and rainbows. But with all of the active shooter situations slaughtering our students and teachers how can you believe everything will be ok? Some days I really feel like the whole world is spinning out of control.

One day this will pass. One fine day this shit will all blow over and I will be so thankful that I had these blog posts to remind me of how tough things used to be. blue-skiesWho knows if I’ll be sitting in my farmhouse on my 50 acres when I have this realization or not. Only time will tell what the future holds for me and my family. I guess all of this would be comical if it were happening to someone else. Then again I might read all of these posts and think that chick needs to get a grip. I’m not homeless or living in Puerto Rico where nearly everything has been destroyed. Things could always be much, much worse. But I’m ready for the better. I’m waiting for the exhale. Enough shoes have dropped already. It’s time for a little peace of mind. I don’t want to have another breakdown while shouting at my husband about the stress and the vet calls and notifies us that our sick cat is still sick with the cat equivalent of MRSA (and yes that really happened this afternoon. I couldn’t make this stuff up people). So I’m waiting on the One Day. And I’m hoping I don’t totally lose it until that day comes. Trying so desperately not to become the crazy cat lady with her robe and slippers on all day. Although my husband already bought me cat slippers so I’m one step closer!!! Things have to improve. If they don’t we’re headed for divorce and I’m headed for a straight jacket vacation. We just need a break. In the past three days we have no farm, my mom had a heart attack, and we got new that the cat still has a major staph infection. That’s just in 3 days. A tiny snapshot of the hell we have been living through. My brain cannot catch a break. I seriously can’t rest. It’s like an actual assault on my mind that just won’t stop.

Well enough complaining. Off to watch Murdoch Mysteries with the husband and pray that tomorrow will bring not a single trace of snow.

Be thankful my friends. For all you have.

Xoxo……….Gigi

 

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